The ‘Gremlin virus’ and the curfew
“At the stroke of the hour, COVID Marshalls, ready to risk life and limb, are deployed to the streets of Britain to protect their community from this existential threat.”
Like the Devil, the Coronavirus goes by many names: COVID-19 and the ‘China-virus’ (as reiterated by the Commander-in-chief of the United States) to name but a few. The comparison with Satan is accurate as humanity has never encountered a disease more intelligent and cunning – not to mention self-aware - than the one which emerged from a Chinese animal market in late 2019.
Although not as deadly as the Black Death of the Medieval period, or the Spanish Flu of the 20th century, the Coronavirus initiates destruction by taking advantage of an animalistic nature prone to hysteria. This is combined with the instinctive desire of national governments to be perceived to be doing something, leading to countless knee-jerk reactions which become more illogical, unjustifiable, and irritable as the pandemic continues.
Yet another title which must be awarded to the disease is ‘The Gremlin Virus.’ In the classic 1980s monster movie, the ‘Gremlins’ are small, malicious creatures that are created when a Mogwai, a harmless and cuddly creature, is fed after midnight. Then, reminiscent of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly, the Mogwai cocoons itself, beginning the transformation.
The Coronavirus possesses a similar characteristic. Not only is it highly selective regarding when it wishes to strike its prey, such as preferring to target groups of seven but avoiding groups of six like they’re the plague; staying clear of Black Lives Matter protests but terrifying the country the minute anti-lockdown protests take place; the disease appears to share the nocturnal lifestyle to that of bats. A fitting attribute considering the internet-fuelled hypothesis (and jokes) that the virus was transferred to humans through the consumption of this animal.
Thankfully, our dear leaders, along with their army of experts, uncovered this trait of the Coronavirus and were quick to impose a curfew of 10pm on all pubs and restaurants.
At the stroke of the hour, COVID Marshalls, ready to risk life and limb, are deployed to the streets of Britain to protect their community from this existential threat.
The Blitz spirit is back in full force – empty streets and lights out. One takeaway was recently caught red-handed putting others at risk by handing a customer their takeaway at 10:04pm. Although their defence was that the order was placed dead on ten o’clock, with the receipt showing this to be the case, no chances can be taken when the disease has awoken for the night.
The Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, is due to address the nation today where he is expected to divulge the Government’s next steps in combatting the pandemic amid a sharp rise in cases across the UK. It is likely that more measures and restrictions on our daily lives will be imposed, rather than withdrawn, having only being gifted back to us very recently. Perhaps scientists have conducted some espionage on our nation’s foe, only to discover that the ‘Gremlin Virus’ has mutated, so is in need of a new label – and a stricter curfew placed on us to compensate.
