Saving history: buy these classic works before it’s too late
When all is said and done, the future, and the past that has proceeded it, are both in our hands.
At the bottom of the article is a list, by no means exhaustive, of books we feel are worth preserving. Please feel free to comment any that you think are worth adding.
“Every record has been destroyed or falsified, every book rewritten, every picture has been repainted, every statue and street building has been renamed, every date has been altered. And the process is continuing day by day and minute by minute. History has stopped. Nothing exists except an endless present in which the Party is always right.”
- George Orwell, 1984
Readers of this publication will undoubtedly be aware that the work of the classic children’s author Roald Dahl, who the nation’s children have studied extensively in the classroom, is being airbrushed out of history. Dahl’s name and prose are not being sent to the incinerator, as if cattle on a slaughterhouse assembly line, but are being butchered beyond recognition regardless, and certainly in a way which the literary genius would despise.
The publication Puffin Books, as with the many institutions that have adopted the ‘fashionable ideas’ of the post 2008 financial crash, has decreed that the works of Roald Dahl are unfit, inappropriate, and out-of-date for a modern, colourful audience. In keeping with the Orwellian tones of contemporary culture, Puffin is tweaking the original source material penned by an author vastly more intelligent than the ‘sensitivity readers’ who make a living out of historical vandalism and cultural forgery.
In a pseudo-religious sense, they have taken it upon themselves to meddle with the creations of an author who is long dead. For example, Augustus Gloop of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is no longer ‘fat’ but ‘enormous’ (clearly the word ‘synonym’ escapes the sensitivity reader’s grasp); Mrs Twit is no longer ‘ugly’ or described as a ‘dirty old hag’; and in line with the revisions imposed upon dear Augustus, the obesity of Aunt Sponge from James and the Giant Peach has vanished.
However, there’s always a silver lining within the bosom of a dark cloud, and amidst the booming, unanimous uproar directed against Puffin, they have raised the white flag to half-mast, and will now publish the original work alongside the corrupted texts. All is fair in love and war.
Nevertheless, those who appreciate works of classic literature and wish to preserve them against the meddling hands of these censorious cultural revisionists (which, one hopes, should be everyone), this task can’t be left in the responsibility of a captured institution, because the next stunt pulled may not end in mercy.
Everyone, whether living or dead, is or will one day soon become a target due to having retro-actively committed various capital offences against this puritanical star chamber.
Therefore, without further ado, it is highly advisable that one acquires the complete works of:
- Roald Dahl (this will not be the last time they try and scalp his work)
- George Orwell
- J.K Rowling (for obvious, ongoing reasons)
- Michel Houellebecq
- J.R.R Tolkien
- C.S Lewis
- Virginia Woolfe
- Arthur Conan Doyle
- William Shakespeare
- Ian Fleming
- Lewis Carroll
- Aldous Huxley
- Jane Austin
- Agatha Christie
- Charles Dickins
- Rudyard Kipling
- Mark Twain
- Victor Hugo
- Fyodor Dostoevsky
- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
- Emile Zola
Furthermore, it is also recommended that these works below must also be saved:
- The King James Bible
- The Book of Common Prayer
- The Canterbury Tales
- Seven Pillars of Wisdom (written by T.E Lawrence – the famous Lawrence of Arabia)
- Any dictionary and atlas printed before 2015
- Brideshead Revisited (before the whole novel is transfigured into being overtly homosexual)
- The Catcher in the Rye
- To Kill a Mockingbird
- Frankenstein
- Lord of the Flies
- A Clockwork Orange (best save the DVD as well)
This is by no means an exhaustive list, so please feel free to add your suggestions in the comments under this post or on our socials. We will add these works retrospectively (instead of scrubbing any away, unlike our adversaries).
When all is said and done, the future, and the past that has proceeded it, are both in our hands. This is our calling, and we must honour this duty without hesitation.
